Shepard's Log
by Gauge Mnemosyne
Summary: Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy is having trouble. Not with a Rogue Spectre, or the endless fire-fights she engages in with geth, Krogan Warlords and the like. Nope, she's having feelings for an alien, and she's just not that sure about it, darn it. A humorous look at what a bad-ass Paragade FemShep might write in a hypothetical journal about Liara T'Soni.
1. Entry 1

I am Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy.

I'm going to sound like a little girl in this entry, but I met someone. The asari we rescued from Therum is both beautiful and innocent, despite being nearly four times my age. I've never met anyone like her and I'm not sure how I feel about her. Well, there's a definite attraction, and I feel it's somewhat reciprocated. She's a girl (obviously, as the asari are mono-gendered) and an alien (obviously, as the asari are aliens). No other girl has ever intrigued me like Liara. I don't know why, but I've never been with another girl, I've been attracted to other women and I've definitely seen beauty in women, but with Liara it's much more than being attracted to her and seeing her beauty. I guess I'd just never thought about it that much. While I'd say I was bisexual, I've never acted on it. Like I said, I'm sounding like a little girl, and I feel like I'm going through puberty again, not knowing which side of the fence I'm truly on.

The Lieutenant is a nice guy and the only real possibility other than Liara on the Normandy, but he's just not my type. That and the rules on fraternisation in the Alliance. But Liara isn't Alliance, and there's just something about her. It doesn't help that whenever I talk to her, she brings up 'the myth of asari promiscuity' and how the asari reproduce. She seems to want to point out that most asari aren't whores and that it's possible that we could 'meld.' It sounds kinda disgusting, but I can't say I'm not curious. It's almost as if she's trying to persuade me into a relationship in her own awkward way. At the same time, it's stupidly endearing. I find it hard not to tease her so she gets flustered and I get that weird, pleasant feeling in my stomach. (Or is it in my intestines? I'm going to ask Dr Chakwas about that weird feeling.)

I don't know how I feel about it all, either. I'm fairly sure I'm the first human she ever saw in real life, and therefore the first human who'd ever spoken to her. To her, I'm exotic. To me, she's kinda just another asari. The most beautiful asari I've ever seen, but the point still stands. I've interacted with asari before, so it's hard to compare how I see her to how she sees me. She's spent the last 50 years researching the Protheans, so it'd be safe to say she's been fairly isolated from humanity since even before we were invited to join the Citadel. I'd also rescued her from possibly the most vulnerable position she's ever been in, so there's also that. (I'm sure there's a term for a rescued individual falling for their saviour, but I'm fucked if I know what it is off the top of my head.) I just think that if she is attracted to me, she's not attracted to me personally, but rather to what I am to her: an exotic alien savior. Does she even think I'm good looking? This sucks.

Oh God, I sound like a little girl. I knew writing this was a bad idea.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Liara just seems awkward and maybe she isn't attracted to me at all. Like most people who try to get close to me, I am short with her, and I've already kinda yelled at her. She has these big blue eyes that break my heart whenever she's sad, so I'm going to have to not make her sad any more. God dammit. I have no problems being short with anyone else. Heck, Williams pisses me off every now and then and she just brushes it off with a resolute, 'Aye, aye, Commander.' Wrex seems to respect that I'm not scared of him. Tali, Garrus and Kaidan never seem to do anything to piss me off. Liara is just a civilian, so she isn't used to being yelled at like Williams. The military teaches you a lot of things, but they're useless at teaching you how to deal with love.

LOVE!? What the fuck? I'm not even deleting that, I'm leaving that there as a warning that I'm getting ahead of myself, here.

All I have to say about my apparent attraction to an asari is thank God quarians wear those helmets all the time, because I can't deal with being physically attracted to another female alien. Seriously, Tali's voice is beautiful. And those hips!

So much has happened since Eden Prime, but the thing that seems to be troubling me the most is that I might have become a xenophile. I need to refocus on the mission, and I need to stop looking at Liara's butt whenever she walks past me. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just lust and I'm dealing with it weirdly because it's _been so fucking long._

Maybe I just need to sort myself out (a 'self-induced relief event' as a friend once called it) and get past it all.


	2. Entry 2

I am Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy

We were on our way to Feros, and Liara was adamant that she came along as part of the ground crew. I told her it would be dangerous, I told her there would be geth and I told her that I couldn't babysit her and blew her off. Instead of giving me that sad face I dreaded, she merely scowled at me and stormed off. Ha! She won't get much out of me acting spoiled.

As I was gearing up with the rest of the team, Liara appeared in the elevator, wearing some light armor and carrying a pistol. To say I was taken aback would be an understatement, as it not only surprised me, but it aroused me a little, too. God dammit.

After coming to and wiping what I can only surmise to be a stupid look off my face, I asked her just what the hell she thought she was doing and where the hell she got that equipment. Apparently, she ambushed the Normandy's requisition officer as he was coming out of the bathroom and convinced him to sell her some stuff. It made sense, we were in the cargo bay, where the RO usually works, and he was nowhere to be found (COWARD). It must have cost her a small fortune. She insisted that she come along, that she knew how to handle herself and that she was a very good biotic. I took the pistol off her and swapped it with mine. That was her cue to ask me what the hell I thought I was doing, or something to that effect in that way Liara speaks. Were an officer to say something like that to me they probably would have ended up on the floor, but I'd already made up my mind. I threw my pistol to her, informing her that it was better.

It's weird, despite her being about 80 years older than me, I kinda see her as younger than me. Not much younger, but young enough. I'd say barely 20. Just a kid. There's something about her, I feel guilty that I'm attracted to her yet technically she'd be the cradle-snatcher. Maybe that beacon messed me up more than I realise. Maybe the cipher will unscramble my brain and I can put my thoughts back on the mission. I'm not sure I want that, though. I have so much shit flying through my brain about Saren and the destruction of Eden Prime, I can't help but think that Liara's distractions are good for me.

As soon as we got ashore on Feros we were attacked by geth. The guy that greeted us got blasted to smithereens right in front of us. My first reaction was to try to grab Liara and push her behind cover, but she'd already taken cover ahead of me.

I've never felt that way in battle before. I've been in a fight alongside Liara, but I've never felt as scared or as angry as I did with those geth on Feros, and it was all because Liara was there. Instinct kicked in, with all my being I had to protect her. There were a fair few geth on that landing bay, but all were destroyed before the minute was up, and all by my hand. Neither Liara or Garrus got a look in. I've never fought so fiercely before, it was probably reckless, but it felt natural. I let my shield do its job as I advanced as quickly as I could, not letting the geth get into cover.

Stupid and reckless. But Liara had this look of awe on her face. I think I impressed her, almost to spite myself.

What the fuck am I doing?


	3. Entry 3

I am Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy.

Okay, so Liara can definitely handle herself. I've seen enough now. She was fairly confident on Feros, though I felt I still needed to protect her. But on Trebin we encountered those husks again, and she did this thing with her biotics called a 'singularity,' which is like a ball of gravity or something, that trapped some of the husks in its pull, and they floated around it helplessly. Then she threw this 'warp' thing at them and it caused the singularity to explode, which obliterated the husks. It was crazy. I mean, I've seen Kaidan and other biotics do incredible things with their powers, but what Liara did was something else entirely. I'd heard about asari biotic power, but to see it in action is incredible. I'm almost kinda scared of her, now.

I told her how impressed with her I was when we were back on the Normandy, and she doesn't have an ounce of arrogance in her, bless her. She just seemed incredibly pleased by my words, and a little surprised that I was giving her compliments about her combat skills. I told her she couldn't possibly be as surprised as I was when I saw what she did, and that she doesn't even look like she can lift a gun, let alone fire it accurately. She made that sad face again (BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING IDIOT). I quickly changed the subject, and asked her about what the singularity was. She tried to explain how it all worked to me, but it went right over my head at FTL. She asked me if I understood, but I just apologised and said it went in one ear and out the other. She said she didn't realise humans had auditory canals that were connected to each other.

After seeing what Liara's capable of, I found myself not feeling the need to be as protective of her any more, so at least that's out of my system. I mean, I still feel as if I'm responsible for her more than I am for the rest of my crew, which isn't a good thing at all, but at least I've stopped acting out suicidal tendencies with it. I can't afford to be reckless. Wrex is disappointed that I've calmed down now, he said he'd never seen blood-rage in a human before and that he enjoyed watching me. Was it really that fucking bad?

I'd decided that I was going to try to put Liara out of my head, but it didn't work. It's like my mind is drawn into thinking about her whenever I'm not busy in the CIC or working in any other capacity. I'm daydreaming these non-specific thoughts about her, like how it was when we melded. It just feels comfortable and warm, not something I'm all that used to. And it's nice. I can't help myself. It's a distraction; it's giving me something else to think about other than just the mission. It's kinda keeping me sane, even though at the same time it's making me crazy.

I need a plan. I need to do something about this, but I don't know what. I've never done this before. I know for a fact that I'm going to have to make the first move, but I've never had to do that! Before, it was the boys that came to me, and I was like, 'yeah, whatever.' I'd mess around a bit but always got bored. I've never really had a crush on anyone, never felt the slightest bit romantic. Sex was always just a bit of fun, not that I'm what you could call experienced in it. Even less experienced with girls. Well, not experienced at all. And she's not a girl, she's an asari! I mean, do they even have nipples!? Wait, of course they do, I've seen Joker's porn stash.

That's an idea, actually. I could get some asari porn, check it out properly. I never felt that attracted to asari, so even the thought of the porn was just weird to me before. It'll be interesting to see if my new perspective on the matter has changed that, at least. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping it'll disgust me and turn me off the idea completely, but I know it probably won't. It might just be that I see Liara as an exotic, and that I just want to fuck her, no strings attached. I couldn't treat her like that, though, so porn is the next best option, I suppose. It's probably the most stupid thing I could do to try to get her out of my head, but I know I'm going to do it, anyway.

It doesn't matter, though. I'm fairly certain she's only interested in me for that fucking vision I've got in my brain, and she only views me as a scientific curiosity. She even said as much, and when I teased her about us having sex (STUPID!), she looked mortified, as if the mere thought disgusted her. Or that it might have disgusted me. I dunno. It's all a blur, now, like most of my conversations with her. I end up listening to her voice, but not hearing anything she's saying. She has a beautiful voice. I think I like it more than Tali's, actually. (SHE WROTE IN HER FIFTH GRADE DATAPAD. SORT YOUR SHIT OUT, SHEPARD!)


	4. Entry 4

I am Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy.

I got myself that asari porn I was talking about, and I watched it. Not all of it, of course, as it seems that even asari porn bears similarities to human porn when it comes to a decent story (in that there isn't one). It was just a pair of asari girls, about Liara's age (I think, they could have been Matriarchs for all I know), and they were just talking on a bed, already in a state of undress, and then they just got naked, which didn't take long, and started messing around. It turns out asari sex involves a lot more rubbing than I'd anticipated. I thought I'd feel a lot things after watching it. I'd anticipated being incredibly disgusted or incredibly aroused, being turned off Liara completely or getting over my infatuation with her. I never anticipated that I just wouldn't give a shit. I mean, it was pretty sexy, and I was a little turned on by it, but other than that it did nothing. What a waste of creds! Not only that, but it was pretty embarrassing buying it, not to mention risky, and therefore stupid. I hope the asari who sold it to me didn't recognise me. That'd be a good thing for the galaxy to know, wouldn't it? 'The first human Spectre enjoys asari porn, read all about it!' I think the salesgirl was flirting with me, too. Why the fuck didn't they have sales terminals?

So I'm back to square one. I'm just going to have to ask her, tell her I'm interested and hopes she reciprocates. I don't want to put the poor girl on the spot and potentially humiliate her, but I'm all out of options.

I still can't help getting ahead of myself. I knew I was in severe trouble when I found myself thinking about a possible future with her. It's common knowledge that the asari can mate with other races, and that their genetics or whatever will be passed along to the little blue children, but the prospect of me being involved in such a thing never even crossed my mind. I've never been interested in having kids in any way. Maybe it's my maternal instinct catching up with me, but for the first time in my life I've started to get broody. I looked up pictures of asari children on the extranet, and they're the most adorable things I've ever seen. Yet again, I'm sounding like a little girl. I'm a God damn Alliance soldier. I'm an N7. Yet here I am daydreaming about settling down and having a couple of blue pups.

In regards to potential plans, they're going to have to wait until after Noveria. I've told Liara that we suspect her mother is there and she's pretty preoccupied with worrying about that. She says she hasn't got a fucking clue what Benezia's doing there. Well, she didn't say it like that, she has a far better vocabulary than me. I use swearing in lieu of auxiliaries (hey, maybe my vocab isn't as bad as I thought). I can't help but think that something is strange about all this. I can't get over the fact that the woman who raised this wonderful, sweet young girl is supposed to have betrayed the council and gone over to 'The Dark Side,' as it were. From what Liara's told me about her, they seem pretty different to each other, but it still doesn't sit well with me.

I'm also really not looking forward to it, and it's got nothing to do with the potential dangers. I'm assured enough in my own ability to deal with that, it's just that I can't see dealing with Benezia going very well. I know that I might have to put her down myself, and I can't see a possible future of even being a friend to Liara in that reality, let alone a lover.

This has to go down in history as the the most difficult situation anyone has ever been in. Ever. Ever ever ever.

For fuck's sake, I'm just not used to being this damn insecure, and I've never feared rejection. Sometimes I wish I'd never met her, that that cunt Udina had never pointed me in her direction. Then I realise that if I hadn't have rescued her, she'd likely be dead, and I can't deal with that. I can't deal with a galaxy that doesn't have a Dr Liara T'Soni, a universe in which she doesn't exist, or a life that doesn't involve her.

Fuck, I'm in trouble. Deep trouble. And worse than that I'm in love! Horrible, amazing, awful, beautiful love. I know that now having re-read the paragraph I've just written.

Well, that's it. There's only one thing for it. I'm getting fucking drunk. I'm going to see if I can borrow an IV bag off Chakwas, that should speed the process up.


	5. Entry 5

/'Sermo 7.5'/  
/date: XX-XX-2183 20:36/  
/input: functioning/  
/space remaining: 4.6 PB/  
/license number: 73955678432B (SA license)/  
/license owner: C.M. Shepard/

Does this thing work? Whoa. Mwamawammam. Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Cunt! Shit! Hahaha! It's even typing out my laughter! Hahahaha! Okay, this toy is pretty cool. Ahem.

I can't type right now, my hand is healing at the moment and in all honesty writing is a pain in the ass and takes too long, and I'm a perfectionist so my spelling and punctuation and grammar has to be spot on, even though I'm the only person who'll I hope read this. Wait. How do you…

(I hope)

Ah, okay.

I'm the only person who'll (I hope) read this. No, wait. Go back. Delete. Erase. How do you… fuck it. I guess I'm not that much of a perfectionist.

So I got this new dictation software, and it's really fucking cool. Mwamamamamamamama. Cunt. Hahahahaha!

I'm in sort of high spirits at the moment. It's was a fucking mess on Noveria a couple of days back, but Liara and I just had a chat and holy fucking shit! Are we in a relationship now? Okay, breathe. Breathe. Jesus Christ.

Noveria, though. Fucking Noveria. Icy shithole full of corporate assholes, corrupt officials and security guards, and that's without the geth and fucking _rachni_. What were they playing at in that lab? It's headache inducing just thinking about that damn place. I want to nuke it. There's not a single redeeming feature about it and the galaxy would be better off without it. I know I'd be better off not being able to remember anything that happened on that frozen fucking world.

Benezia's dead. It was a complete clusterfuck. She was fighting us with her asari commandos and then she was there, talking to us, helping us and then she wasn't and we had to put her down, right in front of poor Liara. Christ, I never want to see anything like that again in my entire life. It was far too personal. Benezia's mind went before she died. In her final moments, she was filled with utter despair and her daughter had to watch as she died painfully. I think that would break me if I were to see my mother go like that. God, I'm shivering just thinking about it. I almost want to cry.

Liara's resilient, though. On the face of it, she seems fine. Either she's not sharing her pain or she has genuinely gotten over it as much as she can to seem okay enough. Maybe it's because she hadn't seen Benezia for years. There's solace in the fact that Benezia was indoctrinated, at least. I knew there was something fishy about it all. Knew that the woman who had raised Liara couldn't possibly be evil.

It's been a few days since Noveria, and with all that, with all the shit that happened there, the chat I've just had with Liara was awesome. She pretty much started hitting on me in a way that only Liara could. It was very analytical and measured. I worried that she only saw me as 'fascinating' because of the beacon, and she admitted that was the case at first, but it went beyond that. She reeled off her worries about it and I had to reassure that it was all good. I don't think she has much experience in this, bless her. Has she ever been with anyone else? Is she a virgin, or whatever analogue the asari have for such a thing? The thought worries me. I feel like I'd be taking advantage of her. She said she needed some time, though, and that's fine by me. I think I need to process all this more than she does.

Still, it's surprising. I went to talk to her about Benezia and she pushed me away from that subject. I said we should continue where we left off, as we were talking about the Protheans, but she seemed almost eager to get back to the subject of talking about us. She was confused, and she thought me and Lt Alenko had a thing, but I assured her we didn't. The funny thing is that we might well have done if it weren't for her. Just speculation, though.

I suppose now I just have to wait, give her a couple of days, but all I want to do is go back and just be with Liara. I'm giving her some time and space despite myself. Oh shit, I've just thought. How long will it take a damned asari, with their ridiculously long lives, to process that information? I just got a picture of myself as an old women in a bed with white hair talking to Liara who hasn't aged a fucking day. She's telling me she's ready to commit and I say, 'that's nice deary, do you want a candy?'

Fuck.


End file.
